It's ironic isn't it? With the wonders of the internet evolving before us and yet here I am, feeling even more bored than ever. It's a feeling of being present yet not wanting to be present, of drifting along on a current and letting it carry you along and not actively trying to steer your way through it.
Like staring at a constant stream of information and scrolling through it but not reading nor absorbing. Sitting down in a moment of time yet not being in the moment.
Disconnected but not wanting to reconnect.
Recently (well, mainly today) I feel myself falling into this kind of pattern, these feelings like to bubble up and overwhelm me and I end up feeling more alone than ever. I enjoy having the freedom of being alone, but sometimes it feels like I am worthlessly, uselessly living my life through. I know I have things to do - school, homework, studying... but I don't want to, have no desire to. I sit down in front of screens and watch as words slip by me, as my eyes tire from reading them and yet I continue to do so. Hours on end.
And then sometimes things happen, small reprieves in a dreary day. But then the effect fades and I'm left numb, drifting.
But these emotions are mine and mine alone. I don't, I can't share them with someone else - they are mine alone to deal with, mine alone to resolve, and I have to do it. Have to be strong. I don't know what I'm doing, why I'm living, why I feel this listlessness. Where is the arrow painted on the ground for me to follow? The paint can lies abandoned in a corner, the brush long lost.
I am walking forward without a direction. I follow where the wind blows, where my feet take me. I sit in front of the screen and let another day pass me by. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.